[Pop song Hollday Road by Lindsey Buckingham plays, background]
"I found out long ago
"It's a long way down a Hollday Road"
"Jack be nlmble, Jack be qulck
"Golng to take a rlde to the West Coast, klds
"Hollday Road!
"I found out long ago
"It's a long way down a Hollday Road
"Hollday Road!
"Hollday Road!"
[Dog barking in distance]
Clark Griswold. I'm trading my wife's old car in.
[Clark chuckles]
CLARK: Say good-bye to the old gas-guzzler, Russ!
It's pretty exciting, isn't it, Rusty?
What is?
Picking up the new car!
You can't wait, can you?
Hi there, Ed!
ED: Good to see you, Mr. Griswold!
ED: How're you doing? Ruben, right? RUSTY: Rusty.
Look at him. He can't wait.
So, did you bring your trade-in?
Yes, a guy just took it away a few seconds ago.
Well, let's get to it, then.
We were afraid the new car hadn't come in yet.
We're on our way to California in the morning...
...big vacation, the whole family, Walley World...
ED: Walley World? Very exciting, Clyde. CLARK: Clark.
Well, there she is.
Where?
Right here. The wagon.
Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Take it easy, Rusty.
Ed, this is not the car I ordered.
I distinctly ordered the Antarctic Blue Super Sportswagon...
...with the CB and the optional Rally fun pack.
You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Metallic Pea? No, Antarctic Blue.
The Sportswagon.
This isn't even the right model!
I think you're right. I don't think this is the car.
This is the new Wagonqueen Family Truckster.
This is a fine automobile, if you want my honest opinion.
It beats the hell out of the Sportswagon but...
...I want to make you happy.
Davenport!
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Mr. Griswold ordered a blue Sportswagon. Where is it?
I don't know, sir.
I know what must have happened!
It didn't come in!
Ed, I'm not your ordinary, everyday fool. Okay?
I'd like my Antarctic Blue Super Sportswagon right now.
If you can't get it for me, I'm going to take my business elsewhere!
Where's my old car?
[Mechanical hissing]
I'm just as upset as you are. Believe me.
ED: Davenport!
Get Mr. Griswold's car back! Bring it back here!
I can get you the wagon, there's no problem there.
The problem is, it might take six weeks.
I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Griswold...
...if you're thinking of taking the tribe cross-country...
...this is the automobile you should be using.
The Wagonqueen Family Truckster.
You think you hate it now, but wait 'till you drive it.
I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back, okay?
I'm not falling for this bit.
No way. Let's go, Russ.
[Light instrumental music, background]
[Car engine rattling]
Clark, is that the right car?
No, it isn't, honey. I changed my mind.
They flattened our old car like a pancake.
Are you serious? Is this really our car, Dad?
What happened? I thought we were going to get the little Sportswagon.
Oh, no! The Sportswagon's much too small.
Besides, I got a great deal on this one.
If we're taking the whole tribe cross-country...
...believe me, this is your automobile.
[Engine continues rattling]
Why is it still running?
Oh, all new cars do that.
I'll take care of that in a second.
[Clark chuckles]
You may think you hate it now, but wait until you drive it.
CLARK: An air bag!
You know, Clark, it's not too late to fly out to California.
We only have two weeks.
Let's not get into that again, sweetie pie. Please?
Lots of families fly, Clark. Especially cross-country.
The whole idea of a family vacation is to be together as a family.
On a plane, you put on earphones and you're lost in your own world.
It's a very long ride, Clark.
I'm looking forward to a long ride.
You get to see the kids all the time!
I see them two minutes in the morning two minutes in the evening...
...and maybe three hours on the weekend.
Someday I'll wake up and realize my little babies are all grown up!
And then what?
I just thought it might be easier to fly.
CLARK: Nothing worthwhile is easy, Ellen.
We know that.
CLARK: Kids?
Who wants to see the trip plan?
RUSTY: Dad, we're playing!
Okay, shut off the video games.
Come on, Russ. Shut it off.
I know you'll enjoy this. I worked out the trip on the computer...
...so that we get the maximum amount of fun time at Walley World...
...without missing any of the good stuff along the way.
CLARK: Here we go! There's us.
And there's Walley World!
Now, let's just take a look at Day One. Shall we?
CLARK: Honey, come on in! We're going to do Day One!
[Beeping]
Now, there's the Family Truckster as we leave Chicago.
[Video game beeping on TV]
CLARK: Rusty, please, do not eat the Truckster!
Russ, do you mind? I'm trying to work this out here on the computer.
CLARK: Okay, Audrey. Thank you, Audrey. That's just great.
RUSTY: Look out, Dad, here I come.
CLARK: All right, that's enough, Russ.
Now, I think we're moving further...
Good shot, Audrey.
Dad, I forgot. Why aren't we flying?
Because getting there is half the fun! You know that!
[Birds chirping]
ELLEN: I turned off the water, the stove, the heat and the air...
...locked the door, notified the police, stopped the papers.
I called to get the grass cut.
Did I put the timers on the living-room lights?
Don't forget the mail...
CLARK: So long!
NEIGHBOR 1: Drive careful now, Clark!
NEIGHBOR 2: Watch those freeways!
WOMAN NEIGHBOR: Good-bye!
ELLEN: I know I've forgotten something.
CLARK: Walley World, here we come!
CLARK & ELLEN: [Sing] "Mocklngblrd, tell me
"Everybody
"Have you heard?
"He's gonna buy me
"A mocklngblrd
"And If that mocklngblrd don't slng
"He's gonna buy me a diamond ring
"And if that diamond ring don't shine
"He's surely gonna break this heart of mine
"And that's why I keep on singin'
"Did you hear now..."
CLARK: Come on, kids.
We don't know your songs!
Is that made-up? It sounds made-up!
CLARK: I got one!
How about The Walley World National Anthem?
Okay, you start it.
[Sing] "Who's the moosiest moose we know? Marty Moose!
"Who's the star of our favorite show? Marty Moose!
"'M' is for merry, we're merry, you see
"'O' is for 'O' gosh! 'O' golly! 'O' gee!
"'S' is for super-swell family glee
"'E' is for everything you want to be
"M-A-R-T-Y
"M-O-O-S-E
"What's that spell?
"Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose
"That's me!"
[Clark imitates moose laugh]
CLARK: All right! That's more like it!
Here's one you don't know.
We used to sing it when you're kids.
[Sing] "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care"
[Rock song plays on Walkman]
[Sings] "Swing low
"Sweet chariot
"Comin' for to carry me home
"I looked over Jordan and what did I see?
"Comin' for to carry me home"
What smells in here?
Russ! Russ! Your feet.
[Light instrumental music, background]
Clark?
Isn't this the gas tank?
Yes, I know, honey.
Get in the car. I'm just fixing the license plate.
[Foghorn blows]
CLARK: Do you see that, klds?
That's the St. Louls Arch. "The Gateway to the West."
It's over 600-feet tall, and there's an elevator all the way to the top.
That's 60 storles to you and me.
RUSTY: Dad, can we go up on It?
CLARK: No.
Dad, what river is this?
That's the Mississippi. The mighty Mississip.
[Clark chuckles]
"The Old Miss."
"The Old Man."
[Sings in deep, low-pitched voice] "Deep river
"My home is over Jordan"
ELLEN: Clark, I thlnk thls Is the wrong exlt.
CLARK: What's the dlfference, as long as we get across the rlver?
[Lnstrumental blues music, background]
[Sirens blare in distance]
Clark? What are you doing?
Just relax, Ellen.
This is so dangerous!
ELLEN: We have no business being in an area like this!
Look at it this way...
This is a part of America we never get to see.
That's good!
No, that's bad.
We can't close our eyes to the plight of the cities.
CLARK: Kids, are you noticing all this plight?
Thls wlll just make us appreclate what we have.
[Gunshot, screaming]
Roll them up!
[Lnstrumental blues music continues, background]
CLARK: I'd better ask these fellas how to get back on the expressway.
I wonder if you could tell me how to get back on the expressway?
Fuck your mama!
Thank you very much!
[Lnstrumental blues music continues, background]
CLARK: Hey, excuse me?
CLARK: What it is, bro'! We're from out of town.
MAN: No shit?
I'd really appreciate it if you could give me directions...
...back onto the expressway.
What? For free?
Sure.
Five dollars.
I'm not going to give you $5 for directions!
I think that's fair, Clark.
Okay. Here's $10.
Keep the change.
MAN: You see which way you're pointing?
You see that place?
You see where it says, "Rib Tips"?
Fuck that. You don't want to go that way.
I wonder if these guys know The Commodores.
You go down about half a block...
...and you'll see a Torino with no wheels on it.
Inside that Torino is my cousin, Jackie.
Tell him that you're my boy, and you're lost.
He'll make sure you get where you're going.
You don't want to know from me. This ain't my neighborhood.
MAN: I'm from the west side of Chicago, here on vacation.
CLARK: Thanks a lot. You've been a great help.
[Soft rock song Mr. Blue by The Fleetwoods plays on radio]
"I'm Mlster Blue
"When you say you love me..."
Honey?
This reminds me of the time in college...
...when we drove to Fort Lauderdale in my Austin Healy.
I haven't thought about that for a long time.
Remember what we did in the car?
It's amazing we didn't get in an accident.
Want to relive a fond memory?
Are you serious?
No!
Why not?
Because, that's why.
The kids are asleep.
Let's just wait 'till we get to a motel.
Okay, we'll wait. I'll find the best one on the road.
Do you want to put your head in my lap?
That's not what I was thinking.
[Mr. Blue continues on radio]
The wheel.
There you go, out of your way.
Comfy?
Clark?
My head's stuck.
Quit kidding around! It hurts!
It's stuck.
ELLEN: Cut it out!
ELLEN: I know what you're trying to do, and I think it's sick!
The wheel's stuck!
That was a dirty trick!
The damn wheel is all screwed up.
You're tired. You get weird when you get tired.
Let's just find a motel. I don't want you dozing off.
I'm not tired. Are you kidding?
I could go another 100 miles.
No problem.
[Mr. Blue continues on radio]
"I stay at home at nlght
"By the phone at nlght
"But you don't call
"And I won't hurt my prlde
"Call me Mlster Blue
"I'm Mlster Blue wlthout you"
[Clark snores]
[Mr. Blue continues on radio]
[Upbeat instrumental music, background]
[Man hollers]
[Car horn blows, tires screech]
[All snore]
[Dog yelps]
[Car horn blows]
Sparky, why don't you turn off the TV and come to bed?
Okay, honey.
[Clark screams]
[Tires screech]
Well, up and at 'em.
We're here.
[Suspenseful instrumental music, background]
[Suspenseful music quickens in pace]
[Ellen screams, Clark imitates theme music from Psycho]
Clark!
Can I do your back, honey?
I've already done my back.
Can I do your front?
Go do your own front.
We should call Catherine and Eddie...
...and tell them that we won't be in until tomorrow afternoon.
Afternoon?
If we're not there by 10:00 a.m., we'll be completely off-schedule.
I planned very carefully...
...so we'd be at Walley World first thing Saturday morning.
Sparky, I know how much this trip means to you...
...and that you want all of us to have a great time, but...
...it's a long way to Walley World.
I think it'd be easier on all of us if you'd just try to relax.
[Soft instrumental music, background]
I'm way ahead of you, honey.
ELLEN: Oh, ho!
When did you get these?
CLARK: I have my little secrets.
[Cork pops]
What a nice thought.
[Ellen giggles]
Don't drink yet!
Ready?
[Ellen moans]
[Bed rattles]
CLARK: I would like to propose a toast.
Here's to a very restful vacation.
Here's to a very relaxing vacation...
...a renewed love affair...
...and a time of joy with our kids.
[Bed vibrates, rattling intensifies]
You know, I've never told you this.
I know it's been a rough beginning.
I think there's something wrong here!
It's the bed. It will slow down in a second.
I got it! Hold on to this. Enjoy it.
ELLEN: What are you doing?
CLARK: Let's try this, my darling.
We haven't done this in a long time.
ELLEN: Oh! Clark!
What's that noise?
What's going on?
Don't you kids knock anymore?
Sorry, we thought you were fighting.
Nobody is fighting in here.
It's very late.
RUSTY: Where is Mom?
ELLEN: I'm under here, kids.
ELLEN: Go back to bed.
Go back to bed, now.
The bed was very soft.
"Weird-o-rama!"
CLARK: Thls Is the same street Wyatt Earp kept law and order on.
ELLEN: It seems klnd of dlrty and tourlsty.
CLARK: The Old West was dlrty.
Everythlng Isn't Ilke home.
If It were, there'd be no reason for leavlng home. Rlght, Rusty?
RUSTY: Yeah, Dad. Thls Is great.
I'm glad we dldn't go to Hawall.
CLARK: I'll bet you are.
[Honky-tonk music, background]
Let's go get a drink.
MAN: Howdy, city slickers!
Welcome! No fighting, cussing or gunslinging.
WYATT EARP: Watch what you say to our bartender. He's an ornery cuss.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Marshal.
CLARK: Sorry.
No sweat.
Give me five, partner!
That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp! He's wearing jogging shoes!
They used to, Rusty.
Hey, knucklehead! Set us up with four redeyes, will you?
Hey, yellow-belly! I'm talking to you!
[Clark and Rusty giggle]
Hey, tenderfoot! Move your chicken wings, turkey!
[Clark and Rusty laugh]
[Honky-tonk music continues, background]
Clark! That's not nice!
It's part of the act, honey.
Hey, underpants!
[Gunshot, Ellen screams]
I'm okay! I'm okay!
I'm all right!
[Clark laughs]
That wasn't funny! A noise like that could impair the kids' hearing.
Ah, come on!
It was real! It looked real, didn't it? I thought it was real gun.
Didn't it look real when I fell down?
AUDREY: What?
Didn't it look real?
What?
Are you happy now, Clark?
She's deaf.
What's the difference? It was fun anyway. Let's have a drink.
Pardon me, sir?
Catherine said we just stay on 50.
CLARK: I was thinking of shooting over to 54 and zipping down to Liberal.
What for?
The House of Mud.
RUSTY: What's that?
The largest freestanding mud dwelling ever built!
You see, kids...
The pioneers didn't have bricks, so they used mud.
They didn't use mud, they used sod!
CLARK: Right, Audrey.
When they ran out of sod, they used mud!
Let's skip The House of Mud.
Dodge City was enough for one day.
Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
It's living history.
But, if you'd rather see your cousins...
...it's okay by me.
Personally, I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
Knock it off!
ELLEN: What's going on?
Rusty is licking his hand and touching me with it!
Tell Rusty to behave himself.
Rusty, behave yourself!
Audrey is eating candy and smiling with it stuck all over her teeth!
Audrey, eat with you mouth closed!
No eating in the car, kids!
You suck, you know that?
Retard!
I am trying to concentrate on the road!
[Pop song Llttle Boy Sweet by June Pointer, background]
"I've had some lonely nlghts
[Rusty and Audrey continue arguing]
"And I'll admlt I crled sometlmes
"Cause you were out of my Ilfe
"But then you called my name
"And you came back agaln
"I feel so Insplred
"Klsslng your Ilps of flre
[Ellen stopping argument]
"Llttle boy sweet, Ilttle boy sweet
"Sweet Ilttle boy of mlne
"Come a Ilttle closer"
[Song fades off]
Clark.
You're doing 80 miles an hour!
Doesn't seem like it.
Slow down!
I don't know why. We're making good time.
[Sings] "Love for sale
"Appetizing, yummy love..."
[Light instrumental music, background]
[Dog barking]
CATHERINE: They're here! Eddie, come on!
I can't believe it!
[Excited exchange of greetings]
Eddie, you look terrific.
Come and meet your second cousins! Look how they've grown!
You have lost weight, Catherine!
EDDIE: She's added a few more mouths to the litter.
[All laugh]
CATHERINE: Rusty and Audrey, cousins Vicki and Dale.
Hi.
And this is Eddie Junior and Junior.
The little one hanging on my skirt is Daisy-Mabel.
How old are you, little one?
She was born without a tongue, Clark.
But, don't worry about her. She whistles like a bird and eats like a horse.
Take your little guests out back and show them your worm farm.
CATHERINE: Ellen, come in the house. I've got so much to tell you.
EDDIE: Look at that car!
That's the Family Truckster.
Boy, she's a beaut! I like those green walls.
We had some trouble in St. Louis.
You're looking really...
...fit.
This is the old homestead.
[Rooster cackles]
Yeah, I don't know for how long, though.
The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.
I know the feeling.
Fuck it!
I bet you could use a cool one?
Now you're talking.
VICKl: I'm going steady.
And I French kiss.
So? Everyone does that.
Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best.
Want a worm?
No, thanks.
[Ambient farm noises]
Do you have Pac-Man?
[Sighs] No.
Space Invaders?
No.
Do you have Asteroids?
No, but my dad does.
He can't even sit on the toilet some days.
What do you do here, Dale?
Well, I have a stack of nudie books this high.
[Rusty gasps]
She's beautiful!
Would you sell me any of them?
Shit, no! I cherish these things!
I use them a lot!
How do you use a magazine?
I was getting to that.
A guy taught me something really neat, last year.
Did you ever bop your baloney?
[Catherine humming]
I guess we're 11, aren't we?
No, we're 12 with Aunt Edna.
Aunt Edna? Is she still alive?
You bet!
I can't wait to see the look on Clark's face when he hears that.
She came to help when Eddie ruptured his spleen...
...and she's been here ever since.
She wanted to go back to Phoenix last year...
...but Eddie wouldn't let her.
Without her Social Security, we'd never be able to live like this.
Gee, Cath...
It looks like you've really got your hands full.
It's not so bad!
Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
How do you like yours, Clark?
Medium-rare, a little pink inside.
No, your bun! Light or dark?
[Dog barks in distance]
Either way, it doesn't matter.
Vicki, can I help you with that Kool-Aid? Please?
EDDIE: Mm mmm!
EDDIE: I don't know why they call this "Hamburger Helper!"
It does just fine by itself.
I like it better than Tuna Helper, don't you, Clark?
You're the gourmet, Ed.
No meat in this?
You get plenty of meat at home. Be polite. Have some ketchup.
Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Nothing but the best!
[Barbecue sizzles]
Aunt Edna!
EDDIE: Helper's getting cold.
Is that your Aunt Edna?
[Mock dramatic instrumental music, background]
ELLEN: Aunt Edna! After all these years! You're looking so good!
CLARK: Hi, Edna! Nice to see you again!
You remember Clark, don't you?
You were the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas.
It made me so sick!
I'm sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes, Claude?
- Clark. - I thought so.
Well, am I going to eat or starve to death?
[Dog barking]
Catherine!
Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
No. I was just about to.
What's the good news?
You're driving me to Phoenix!
[Pop song plays on radio]
"Junior Pig Competition?"
You won this for racing a pig?
Yeah. First Place.
AUDREY: Does anyone know about it?
Everyone knows.
Vicki, don't be offended, but being a farmer is not too cool, you know.
Oh, yeah?
How cool...
...is this?
I'm really glad things are going good for you.
I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory.
The Army cut my disability pension...
...'cause they said the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
[Eddie whistles]
Clark and Ellen don't want to hear about our troubles.
No, no. It's very interesting.
Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie?
He sure as hell can't take a hint!
Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark.
Could you, maybe, spare a little extra cash?
Sure, Eddie!
[Clark and Ellen chuckle nervously]
How much do you need?
About $52,000.
Good-bye, baby!
EDDIE: You'll send those checks?
It's all taken care of.
Okay, let's go. Come on, Edna.
EDNA: Lay off, lay off!
Well, gotta be going.
What's this?
This is for you, Clark.
What is it?
A gift.
You didn't have to buy me a gift!
Go on, open it.
Eddie, you shouldn't have.
RUSTY: Those are great, Dad!
Quiet down, Russ.
EDDIE: Try them on.
No, I don't want to get them dirty.
EDNA: I told you he wouldn't like them!
CLARK: I love them.
I knew you did 'cause the last time I saw you...
...you remarked about how much you liked mine.
ELLEN: I guess we'd better be going.
Here he is, Uncle Clark, all walked and everything.
What is this? A dog?
He's Aunt Edna's. His name is Dinky.
He watches Famlly Feud.
How are you, little fellow?
[Dinky barks]
You didn't get to meet Dinky last night.
He had the shits, so he slept in the barn.
Great. I'll make some space for him in the back.
[Dinky growls and barks]
CLARK: No! Sit, sit! Roll over! Heel!
Here. Have a good trip.
Thanks.
[Audrey and Vicki giggle]
[Pop song Hollday Road by Lindsey Buckingham plays, background]
"I found out long ago
"It's a long way down a Hollday Road
"Hollday Road!
"Hollday Road!"
ELLEN: Look at these sandwiches. Here, Aunt Edna.
EDNA: Thank you.
Rusty, stop playing with the dog and come and have some lunch.
[Dinky growling]
Oh, Clark, look.
You're favorite: Baloney and cheese.
[Pop song Llttle Boy Sweet by June Pointer plays, background]
"I've had some lonely nlghts
"And I'll admlt I crled sometlmes
"'Cause you were out of my Ilfe
"But then you called my name
"And you came back agaln
"I feel so Insplred
"Klsslng your Ilps of flre
"Llttle boy sweet, Ilttle boy sweet
"Sweet Ilttle boy of mlne
"Come a Ilttle closer
"I want to show you
"What's on my mlnd
"Here In the nlght, here In the nlght
"Here In the nlght, together
"I want to show you
"Love so... warm and tender!"
Mom, my sandwich is wet!
They're all wet...
The dog went on the picnic basket!
[LIttle Boy Sweet continues, background]
[Pop song Hollday Road by Lindsey Buckingham plays, background]
"Jack be nlmble, Jack be qulck
"Golng to take a rlde to the West Coast, klds
"Hollday Road!
"Hollday Road!"
Russ, look!
Excellent! They have a pool!
Aren't the woods beautiful?
Clark! Dinky needs a long walk and a bath.
Rusty, take care of Dinky.
Dad, he bites!
CLARK: Bite him back!
[Door slams]
[Bell rings]
We'd like three tents for the night.
All right. That'll be $37.
CLARK: Thirty-seven dollars for three tents?
They're very nice tents.
The price includes scenery and wildlife fun.
Come on, Clark...
It seems like a nice place, and it has a pool.
All right.
Here you go.
CLARK: Clark W. Griswold. Do you want my street?
Please.
What do you need my address for?
We like to send out a mailer.
AUDREY: I can't wait to get in! RUSTY: Me, too.
AUDREY: Let's get our bathing suits.
[Rusty groans, geese gaggle]
RUSTY: Disgusting!
[Western instrumental music, background]
You're too cheap to pay for a hotel room.
Clark, this tent smells.
Edna, this is your tent.
[Lnsects buzzing]
[Crickets chirp]
[Ellen coughs]
This isn't very romantic.
Isn't it?
No, I don't think there's enough room for two in this sleeping bag.
Right now, we're one.
One heart beating for two.
[Animal growling]
ELLEN: Sparky, there's a wild animal.
CLARK: Yes.
I know, I'm going to go for it, honey.
CLARK: Ow!
Get off!
CLARK: Down! Go!
I'm sorry, honey. It's Dinky.
[Dinky continues growling]
I'll kill that dog!
I'm sorry.
[Clark groans]
[Western instrumental music continues]
CLARK: What do you say, honey?
In spite of the problems, it's fun, isn't it?
No.
But, with every new day there's fresh hope.
Kids, let's go!
CLARK: We're losing daylight.
CLARK: Did you walk him?
He took a big one on Aunt Edna's blanket.
Good boy.
EDNA: Help!
Go take care of Aunt Edna. I'll take the leash.
[Dinky growls and barks]
Roll over!
[Edna screams]
EDNA: You're tearing my flesh!
CLARK: Good morning, Edna.
[Dinky barks]
RUSTY: Audrey, you're next.
No way, José!
What's the problem?
I had to sit next to Aunt Edna last time. She smells like mothballs!
It's her turn.
For your information, Rusty slept in his underpants last night!
Easy, kids! Stop it!
Everyone into the car, the boat leaves in two minutes.
Perhaps, you don't want to see the second-largest ball of twine on earth.
Which is only four short hours away.
[Jazzy music, background]
Sweetheart, do you hear that rattle?
Where is it coming from?
Beats the heck out of me.
I've been looking for it since we left. It's driving me crazy!
Dad, check it out behind you.
Oh, shoot!
Now what have we done?
Will you hold my purse?
Just hold my purse!
[Sirens blare]
[Military music, background]
Hello, Officer. What's the problem?
Get out of the car!
I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving?
Shut your mouth, sir!
If I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver...
...faster than you could say, "Police brutality."
Officer, whatever it is I've done, I'm sure I can explain.
Explain this, you son of a bitch.
Oh, my God!
Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
No, sir.
It's probably pretty stiff!
You can't think I'd do this on purpose?
I tied him to the rear bumper when I was packing the car.
It was very confusing, I must've forgotten.
I'm sorry. I feel terrible.
How do you think that little dog feels?
I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
COP: I guess I can buy that, sir.
But it is a shame.
I had a pooch like that when I was a kid.
[Voice quivering] Poor little guy.
He probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
Tough little mutt.
EDNA: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark.
You've been exceeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Dad wasn't speeding.
The cop stopped us because Dad...
He was speeding, Rusty!
RUSTY: No, he wasn't, Mom.
Listen to your mother! I was speeding.
I was driving like a maniac.
We can all be grateful that this man stopped us!
- You see, a car... - Here's the leash.
I'll go back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.
Thank you, Officer.
Have a nice day.
[Edna whimpers]
Is this your idea of a good restaurant?
Dog killer!
ELLEN: I'm sure the food is just fine.
CLARK: I'll take that.
CLARK: Thank you.
Oh, kids!
[Smash]
Waitress!
[All snoring]
[Pop song Llttle Boy Sweet by June Pointer plays, background]
[Ferrari engine roars]
"I've had some lonely nlghts
"And I'll admlt I crled sometlmes
"'Cause you were out of my Ilfe
"But then you called my name
"And you came back agaln
"I feel so Insplred
"Klsslng your Ilps of flre
"Llttle boy sweet, Ilttle boy sweet
[Honking]
"Sweet Ilttle boy of mlne"
[Tires screech]
What happened?
ELLEN: What happened to your hair?
You're sweating!
Are you blushing?
Don't be silly.
ELLEN: Are you all right, Clark?
Hell, yes. I'm fine! I'm having a ball!
Come on, honey, look at the mountains, breathe the air!
Put on a happy face for me.
I guess there's not much more that can happen to us.
I think the worst is behind us.
[Banging]
ELLEN: Clark, I need my vanity case.
We have to go back and look for it.
All my credit cards are in it.
Honey, one: I've already called the bank and reported the loss.
B: We'll never find it when we don't know where it fell off.
Three: I've got my credit cards...
...and we've still got plenty of cash.
No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie...
...and everything has cost twice as much as you figured out.
There's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced.
Except for your diaphragm.
We can always cash a check down the road.
Don't you trust me?
As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.
[Birds chirping]
That hurt.
ELLEN: I thlnk we're lost.
CLARK: We're not lost!
Would you please let me do the drlvlng.
ELLEN: I don't thlnk you'll flnd the Grand Canyon on thls road.
CLARK: Jesus, It's only the blggest goddamn hole In the world!
EDNA: Clark, watch your language!
CLARK: Make that the second-blggest.
Dad, I haven't seen a car for an hour!
Shut up, Audrey! Dad knows where he's going.
Thank you.
You're lost!
I saw some detour signs!
CLARK: I didn't see any.
I saw them when you and Mom were trying to fold the map.
When they close a road they put up big signs.
Like this one.
[All scream]
[Fast-paced instrumental music, background]
[Edna groans]
I think I broke my nose!
I stabbed my brain.
AUDREY: I just got my period.
I'd better check under the hood.
ELLEN: Audrey, gather up all the clothes, and put them in a pile.
Rusty, find the first-aid kit, then bring the suitcases here.
Where can I go to the bathroom?
Find a bush, Audrey!
RUSTY: Dad, you must've jumped the car about 50 yards!
CLARK: It's nothing to be proud of, Rusty.
Fifty yards.
EDNA: Ellen, get me out of here!
Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here!
Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want!
I should never have come on this trip with you!
I should have taken an airplane!
And he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile.
He should be behind bars!
Sit down and shut up!
ELLEN: Move out of that seat, and I'll split your lip!
[Bird chirping]
Rusty, come up here!
I'll have to hike down the road to find a service station.
CLARK: I want you to stay here and take care of things.
Will you be okay?
Oh, sure.
I haven't had a chance to talk to you, man to man.
I've only been a man a few days, Dad.
You're growing up so damn fast.
I've spent the last 15 years...
...developing newer and better food additives.
I guess I've missed a lot.
At first, I didn't want to take this vacation.
Now, I'm glad I did.
It has given me a chance to spend more time with you and...
Audrey.
Audrey. Yeah.
It's been fun for me, too, Dad.
Except for Aunt Edna.
She doesn't mean to be a pain in the rump.
It's just the way she is.
Let's not let it spoil our fun.
I won't.
Maybe she'd be nicer if she had a family of her own.
Instead of always having to glom onto someone else's.
You're a pretty bright little guy.
Excuse me... man.
[Clark sobs]
It's okay.
Do you know what I want to do?
When I was your age, my dad shared a beer with me.
I thought it was the best thing ever.
When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation.
In 18 years, we never had fun.
Now, I have my own family.
We're on our own vacation.
You know something?
What, Dad?
We're going to have fun.
[Rusty burps]
Don't let your mother smell beer on your breath.
She'll take it out on me.
I better get moving if I want to get us out of here by dark.
Good talk, Son.
Good talk, Dad.
Clark?
CLARK: I just had a good talk with Rusty. You'll be in good hands here, honey.
Where are you going?
There must be a phone or a gas station around here, honey.
All right, but if you're not back in an hour...
I'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'm sure this happens all the time.
A patrol car will be by any minute.
CLARK: [Sings] "Over the river and through the woods
"To Grandmother's house we go..."
"A thousand bottles of beer on the wall
"Four bottles of beer
"If one of those bottles should happen to fall..."
"I love a parade
"The trampling of feet, I love the beat I hear of a drum
"I love a parade"
CLARK: We pass a goddamn gas station every 100 yards for 1,000 miles!
But when you need one, you end up walking your ass off.
This is no way to run a desert!
Jesus! I'm going to die!
INDIAN: What an asshole!
[Horse snorts]
[Slow instrumental music, background]
CLARK: Taxi. Taxi!
I'm dead.
I'm dying. I'm dead. I'm finished.
[Clark gasping]
Hot! Hot!
[Clark screams]
ELLEN: I'm not sure of his exact height and weight.
The man was a saint with children...
...and a genius with food additives...
...and...
Clark!
Ellen!
[Excited screaming]
Russ!
Audrey?
Audrey!
ELLEN: Are you all right?
I'm fine!
What happened? How did you get here?
Well, these two nice Indians and a man on a camel called a tow truck.
Daddy's back!
Kids, are you thirsty?
RUSTY: Yeah, I bet you are, too! CLARK: You said it!
[Car horn blows]
What do I owe you?
I've never heard of anyone so stupid as to drive off that road.
You must have manure for brains.
Yes, well, I'm from out of town.
What's the bill?
[Men chuckle]
Come on. How much?
How much do you have?
No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
I'm asking you, how much do you have?
You're out of your mind.
I don't have time to play around.
How much is it?
All of it, boy.
What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
[Men chuckle]
[Lnstrumental music, background]
Audrey, how much babysitting money do you have?
How come?
How much?
What's the matter?
I just spent $500 on four bald tires and a tow!
How much do you have?
Thirty-five dollars.
She has $40, Dad.
How would you know? Unless you went in my purse, you sneak!
Have you been going through her private property?
I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what.
We need money!
Edna, how much do you have?
She's asleep, Clark!
Russ, do you want to look through Edna's purse?
Clark!
CLARK: Unzip it.
RUSTY: She has 11 cents, Dad.
Terrific.
ELLEN: The motel will cash your check.
They better. We're going to run out of gas.
I'm sorry, sir. I can't accept this credit card.
CLARK: Why not?
The computer says it's been reported lost.
My wife lost her credit cards in Colorado and I reported it.
The computer is probably saying that I lost mine, which I haven't.
DESK CLERK: You'll have to straighten that out with your bank.
Would you take a personal check?
For how much?
CLARK: Three-hundred dollars.
I can't do that, sir.
I've lost all my cash and we're on our way to California.
Walley World?
Yeah! Walley World!
I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I'd really appreciate it.
Not without a major credit card.
I have $6.13 to my name...
...so I can see we'll have to work something out.
I've already told you I can't accept a check...
...without a major credit card.
I'm making this out for $1,000. All you have to do is give me is $300 in cash.
You can keep $700 for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
The only thing I can do...
...is have you stay here until the check clears.
Ten working days!
[Phone rings]
[Cash register beeps]
[Fast-paced, Western instrumental music, background]
Let's go, come on! Where is Edna?
In the car!
Good! Come on, get in the car.
Don't you want to look at the Grand Canyon?
Great, let's go.
[Tires screech]
[Fast-paced, instrumental Western music, background]
Rusty, wake up!
Get out those sandwiches I got at the gas station.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a sandwich from a gas station.
There's one for everyone.
Audrey, wake up Aunt Edna. It's time for her to eat and take her pill.
AUDREY: Please, get off me!
Mom, tell Audrey to quit pushing Aunt Edna on me.
I'm sick of her lying on me all the time!
Be quiet!
ELLEN: Auntie?
Honey, it's only a few hours to Phoenix! Let her be, she's fine!
She's not fine!
CLARK: She's fine! Don't be silly!
She's not fine, Clark!
She's dead!
[Tires screech]
AUDREY: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!
RUSTY: Her hand touched me! She's stiff already!
[All gagging]
CLARK: Goddamn it, anyway!
She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff.
What are we going to do, Clark?
We could leave her here...
...the first phone we pass, we could call your cousin...
...and he could come and get her.
That's the meanest, coldest...
What do you want me to do, call Federal Express?
We don't have to ride with a dead person, do we?
Please say we don't!
Lt'd be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her.
All he'd have to do is look for the buzzards.
Hell! We'll drive her to Cousin Normie's.
I just didn't want to get caught up in a funeral, inquests and all that crap.
You are the most self-centered, egotistical, manipulative...
Don't say anything you'll regret, Ellen!
I'm being practical. If we drove straight through...
...we'd have three days at Walley World at best. Three.
She can't weight more than 100 pounds.
No! You can't put her up on that roof!
Yes, he can!
Do you want me to strap her to the hood? What's the difference? She'll be fine.
It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
[Thunder rumbling]
[Lnstrumental music, background]
ELLEN: This is terrible!
ELLEN: What a nightmare!
[Lnstrumental music continues]
Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying!
How about if I ask him to play a guessing game?
[Doorbell rings]
[Rain pelting]
Oh, no, he isn't even home.
Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
The moron knows we're coming, and he isn't home.
Normie's always been flighty.
He's always been a jag-off.
Will you watch your mouth?
CLARK: There's a note.
"Have gone to Flagstaff. Be back on Monday."
What a worm!
[Lnstrumental music continues]
[Thunder roars]
ELLEN: It's locked!
CLARK: Okay, let's go!
We can't leave her on the patio!
Should I slip her in the night-deposit box at the funeral home?
Come on!
It's raining all over her!
She can't catch a cold now, Mom!
We have to at least say something.
Okay, bow your heads, bow your heads.
Oh, God...
Ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair!
Admit this good and decent woman into thine arms and the flock...
...in thine heavenly area up there.
And Moab he laideth down behind the land of the Canaanites.
CLARK: And, yea, though the Hindus speak of karma...
Clark!
I implore you, give her a break.
Clark!
[Sings] "Hallelujah"
Clark, this is a serious matter! I'll do it myself!
Honey, I'm not an ordained minister! I'm doing my best, okay?
Lord, we love this woman with all our hearts!
Let's not overdo it, Mom!
Shut up!
We know she deserves better than this...
...but my husband wants his beloved family to get to Walley World...
...to have their vacation!
I hope you understand! Have mercy on his soul!
Amen! Let's go!
ELLEN: I hope you kids have learned something about life and death!
AUDREY: Yeah! Don't die unless someone is home!
I think Normie will understand...
...when he sees the note we pinned on Edna's sleeve.
Sure! You left his dead mother tied to a lawn chair in his backyard!
I'm sure he won't mind!
It's all over and done with!
We'll find a motel and start fresh in the morning.
I don't want to be in the car anymore. I want to go home!
I don't want to go to Walley World!
ELLEN: Clark, under the circumstances, I would rather we just go home.
In retrospect, driving across country has been one disaster after another!
Yeah, it's been a real drag, Dad!
Maybe we can try it some other time.
RUSTY: Walley World's overrated anyway.
What do you think?
[Tires screech]
I think you're all fucked in the head.
We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out.
Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation!
It's a quest!
It's a quest for fun.
CLARK: I'm going to have fun and you're going to have fun.
We're golng to have so much fucklng fun...
...we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles.
You'll be whistling "zippity-doo-dah" out of your assholes!
[Clark laughs]
I must be crazy. I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose.
Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
[Thunder roars]
Dad, do you want an aspirin or something?
Don't touch!
The next time you have one of your outbursts...
...l'd appreciate it if you'd have some consideration for your kids.
CLARK: What are you talking about?
You don't know?
All I know is I'm trying to treat my family to a little fun!
Spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun.
Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk...
...hold up a McDonald's, and drive us a thousand miles...
...to see the world's largest ball of mud!
CLARK: You know what your problem is?
You have a knack for looking at the dark side of things.
That's your problem.
You wouldn't know a good time if it came up and bit you!
Where are you going?
What do you care?
[Soft jazz music plays on piano]
Are you waiting for someone?
No! Do you mind if I sit down?
Fancy seeing you here.
Having a nice little family vacation?
Oh! No.
It would appear so, wouldn't it?
No, the truth of it is, and this is highly confidential...
...I own this motel.
CLARK: I own the whole chain, nationwide.
Twenty-two hundred units.
Yeah, once a year, I travel across the country, incognito.
I check things out, and see how the operation is running.
I thought you were going to say you worked for the CIA.
[Clark laughs]
That's an old bit, isn't it?
Really.
No, I'm not with the CIA. I was, but that was a long time ago.
I don't like to talk about it.
No, I'm mainly interested in my motels now...
And my airline.
That's great.
I'm just trying to have a little fun.
It's a shame you're married.
I'm in the mood for some fun.
Married? You mean those people I'm with?
That's my brother's family.
My brother's ring.
I usually borrow them on these little inspection tours of mine.
It helps to complete the disguise. It's fun for them.
It's a good disguise. I like the station-wagon effect.
Yeah? Well, that's a big part of it.
In order to be convincing, you must look and act like an ordinary jerk.
You know, stop at all the stupid sites and look like a fool.
Basically, be yourself?
Yeah!
You like the disguise?
[Soft jazz music continues]
CLARK: My credo is, if you have to have a credo...
...you know, "Go for it," pretty much.
You only go around this crazy merry-go-round once! You know?
I agree.
Yeah.
[Clark inhales heavily]
That's my credo!
You don't have to have a credo, but...
"If the fur fits, wear it."
"A penny saved..." "Pennies from heaven..."
My favorite credo...
...you know, "A penny saved," and...
Thank you.
[Splash]
[Dixieland instrumental music, background]
This feels great!
Well...
...are you going to "go for it?"
Uh... here?
GIRL: To start with, yes.
Why not? Don't you swim?
Sure, I took third in the state finals in my senior year.
Yeah, I'm really at ease in the water.
I'm proficient in many strokes and I dive.
As a matter of fact, I could've been in the Olympics.
Yeah. I'll be right there.
Yeah. This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!
How's the water?
Exhilarating!
I'm in deep, I'm in deep!
It's cold!
Jesus! Fuck!
[Clark screams]
Clark?
CLARK: Cold!
[Dixieland instrumental music, background]
Clark?
Hi, honey.
What are you doing?
CLARK: Swimming!
Yeah, my back was killing me.
I thought I'd get a swim and loosen up the muscles.
Why go to the car and get the bathing suit? Jump right in.
CLARK: It's exhilarating.
Guess what, honey? This person here was...
...here!
CLARK: I didn't see this person, so...
...I screamed, that's why I yelled. I was so surprised.
You can imagine, can't you, honey?
Honey?
[Slow instrumental music, background]
Will you excuse me?
You have to go.
Well, I'd stay if I weren't married, but I am.
I know.
I hope I didn't spoil your evening.
No, it's been interesting.
Well, enjoy the rest of your trip.
You, too.
[Slow instrumental music continues]
[Scattered voices]
I can't believe this.
I am so humiliated.
Cut it out. You don't even know how to inhale.
So?
Maybe I don't want to.
You're such a dork.
How can he do this to Mom? They'll probably get a divorce.
I'd better go talk to him.
- Hey, squirt! - Hey, Dad.
What are you doing up?
You woke the whole motel up, Dad.
[Clark laughs]
I was... swimming.
Yeah, I saw you.
Russ, come here a minute.
Russ...
You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt your mom.
It's been a long drive.
[Crickets chirping]
I work very hard for you, Audrey and your mom.
I guess when you get older you get these feelings...
...and these feelings make you do things you wouldn't normally do.
Like swimming naked with girls?
Yeah! Like swimming naked with girls.
Well, not with girls. You think I was swimming with girls?
I saw just one girl.
Who, that girl?
Oh, no, that's a waitress. No, I was just ordering in.
She's a pool waitress.
I was ordering some fish for you, Audrey and Mom.
She took your order?
She took my order, yeah.
Swimming waitress.
You understand, don't you, Russ?
Sure, I understand.
Do you think Mom will buy it?
Good talk, Son. Go to bed, Russ.
Goodnight.
[Slow instrumental music, background]
Ellen?
CLARK: Ellen?
Honey?
Are you mad?
No.
Do you like that girl?
Is that what you want?
Oh, no.
How could I like a girl like that?
She's ugly.
I love you.
I'm sorry about everything.
I got angry because you were right and I knew it.
I was hurt, honey.
I'm sorry, too. It's not all your fault.
I know you've been trying.
I'm going to try, too.
I know how to have fun.
And I'm going to prove it.
ELLEN: Come on. Come on! Come on!
Honey, you don't have to prove anything to me.
I want us to have some fun together.
- Come on! - The water's very...
[Ellen screams]
[Upbeat instrumental music, background]
[Ellen squeals]
[Upbeat instrumental music continues]
CLARK: We must be gettlng close.
We're almost there. Everybody just take it easy.
I know we're getting close. What is that? What is that?
CLARK: There it is!
Walley World, next three exits!
[Audrey and Rusty cheer]
CLARK: We made It, dammlt! We made It!
[Trumpets blow, background]
The Griswolds are one hell of a family, huh?
Don't get too much sun, now. Watch out!
[Upbeat introductory music, background]
[Ellen gasps]
It's beautiful!
It's just beautiful!
[Clark sobs]
Oh, darling!
[Celebratory military music continues]
AUDREY: We made it! ELLEN: You did it, Clark. Sparky...
CLARK: We're the first ones here!
We're the first ones here!
ELLEN: But we're so far away, Clark.
At the end of the day, when the lot's full...
...and everyone's fighting to get out...
...we'll be the first ones out, too!
CLARK: Why?
Because we're the Griswolds!
[Clark laughs]
Come on, I'll race you!
[Light instrumental music, background]
MARTY MOOSE: Sorry, folks.
We're closed for two weeks...
... to clean and repalr Amerlca's favorlte famlly fun park!
Sorry!
[Marty Moose chuckles]
Clark! What are you doing?
We watch his program.
We buy his toys. We go to his movies!
He owes us!
Doesn't he owe us?
He owes the Griswolds, right?
Fucking-A right, he owes us!
Clark, you're scaring me!
Don't be scared!
I just think someone owes us an explanation, that's all!
Come on.
ELLEN: Clark, now just a minute!
[Fast-paced instrumental music, background]
[Tires screech]
Honey, will you check the mileage, please?
ELLEN: Where are you going?
I'll be right back.
CLARK: I'm just going to get some sporting goods.
[Tires screech, car horn blows]
[Fast-paced instrumental music continues]
ELLEN: Clark, will you listen to me?
Let's just find a hotel.
I'll have my parents wire us money.
We'll fly home and forget this vacation ever happened.
Relax. I told you I'm not angry anymore. I'm in complete control.
They can't be repairing every ride at the same time!
I think they owe us an explanation and a little fun.
Whatever happens, just trust me.
CLARK: Will you just trust me?
Sorry, folks, the park's closed.
The moose out front should have told you.
Yes, we're here to see Mr. Roy Walley.
What is your name, sir?
CLARK: Clark W. Griswold.
What is this regarding, Mr. Griswold?
It's a public... business... summer inspection...
Personal matter.
Well, nobody notified this office of anything!
Well, I'm notifying you.
LASKY: I'll need more than that, sir. CLARK: Okay.
How's this?
[Lasky gasps and whimpers]
Clark...
Have you lost your mind? Where did you get that?
At the sporting goods store.
You listen to me, fat ass.
You do what I say and there won't be any problems, okay?
We drove 2,460 miles, just for a little Roy Walley entertainment.
The Moose says you're closed. I say you're open.
We're not really violent people.
This is our first gun.
No, it isn't.
What's going on here?
You! Freeze! Freeze!
CLARK: Sit! Sit!
CLARK: Lie down! Let's go, lie down!
Roll over!
CLARK: Stay!
Okay! Let's ride! Let's ride! Come on!
CLARK: Stay!
[Fast-paced, dramatic instrumental music, background]
[Lasky hollers]
LASKY: This is scary, isn't it?
You boys and girls make sure...
...you keep your hands on the handlebars at all times.
We don't want any accidents!
Is that a real gun, Mom?
I don't know. But when this is all over...
...your father may be going away for a little while.
Boy, I sure am bushed!
Have you had enough yet, sir?
What do you mean "bushed?"
Where are the big rides? The big ones?
[Fanfare music, background]
CLARK: Let's go. Get in the front.
Come on.
Has your father ever killed anyone before?
Just a dog.
Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Hey! You can't prove that, Rusty.
[Lasky sighs]
Rusty? May I call you Rusty?
I had a bad experience on this ride once before.
What happened?
I threw up.
[Fast-paced, suspenseful instrumental music, background]
[Roller coaster train rattles]
Don't do that again!
[Upbeat instrumental music, background]
[Audrey screams]
ELLEN: [Screams] Oh, shit!
[All scream]
[Lasky screams]
[All scream]
[Upbeat instrumental music, background]
[All scream]
[Upbeat amusement park music, background]
[Tires screech]
[Fast-paced, dramatic instrumental music, background]
[Commands yelled out]
[Upbeat amusement park music, background]
[Fast-paced, dramatic instrumental music, background]
CLARK: Goodie, goodie, goodie! Loop-D-Loop!
Come on, get in there. Let's go.
LASKY: Please, don't push!
CLARK: Come on, Audrey. Isn't this fun, honey?
That's not a real gun, is it, Clark?
What? Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P. I!
It's a BB gun!
Don't try me. I could put an eye out with this.
You couldn't break the skin with that.
It could! It could break the skin.
It could lodge under the skin and cause a bad infection.
That's an old wives' tale, Clark! I'm telling.
[Gun trigger clicks, Lasky groans]
Clark!
See, I told you! I warned you!
If you wrecked these pants, you'll pay for them!
Yeah, I'll pay for 'em. You'll pay for 'em.
LASKY: Why did you shoot me? CLARK: It's a BB gun! I told you so!
LASKY: It hurt! CLARK: What do you want?
LASKY: Why did you shoot me? CLARK: You tried to run away!
LASKY: I wasn't going anywhere! CLARK: I thought you were!
[Fast-paced, suspenseful instrumental music, background]
[Lasky screams]
[All scream]
[Upbeat instrumental music, background]
[All talking and laughing]
Freeze!
[Lasky gasps]
CLARK: Don't shoot!
SWAT LEADER: You, out!
SWAT LEADER: Hands behind your heads!
Spread your legs apart!
Move up against the wall!
You two, over there!
It's just a BB gun!
You are all under arrest.
You have the rlght to remaln sllent.
Watch your hands, mister!
WALLEY: How many are there?
A lot of them?
WALLEY: Whatever they want, we'll pay 'em! We'll pay 'em!
Tell me, what's going on?
Everything's under control, sir. They're terrorists!
Where?
- There! - Them?
He treated me like a dog!
He humiliated me!
What'd he do with your dog?
He kidnapped me, but I want to tell you...
...I had a great time.
It's the most fantastic time I've ever had!
I like the part where you go way up high...
I'm glad you liked it. Now, what's happening?
That's Roy Walley, honey!
I'm Russ Lasky. I met you at the summer picnic last year.
I don't remember.
They kidnapped one of my men.
I was the one who was sick.
LASKY: Anyway, I went on all the rides...
...I didn't get sick. Normally, I get sick on all your rides...
Quiet!
Mr. Walley? Roy?
I think I can make some sense out of this.
WALLEY: Well, someone had better explain!
Or there will be a lot of explaining to do!
I'm Clark W. Griswold.
This is my wife, Ellen.
Hi. We're big fans of yours. We watch your show all the time.
These are my children, Audrey and Rusty.
WALLEY: Nice family.
We're from Chicago, Roy. "The Windy City."
I've been there many times.
We just spent two weeks of living hell, driving out here.
We lost a dear member of the family on the way.
[Slow instrumental music, background]
But, the important thing, Roy, is that...
...we could've gone anywhere we wanted to this summer.
Anywhere in the world.
But when I asked my kids...
Kids, remember when I asked you where you wanted to go on vacation?
What did you say?
Hawaii?
Shut up, Russ.
Audrey, you remember?
Walley World, Dad?
"Walley World, Dad!" Roy Walley World.
Do you have any children, Mr. Walley?
Are you kidding? I have seven.
I thought so.
Seven, did you hear that, honey?
You look so young!
Did you ever drive them across country?
I took the whole clan to Florida one year.
The worst two weeks I ever had in my life.
The smell from the back seat was unbearable.
I know that smell.
Imagine how your kids would've felt if Florida had been closed.
They don't close Florida.
CLARK: I know they don't close the state of Florida.
When we got here, to Roy Walley World...
...and it was closed down...
CLARK: If you had seen the look on my kids' faces...
I guess I went a little haywire.
You went a lot haywire, if you ask me!
I'm very sorry, sir.
I'm sorry to all these people.
I didn't mean any harm.
I want you to ask yourself one thing.
If you were me...
...wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
No.
POLICEMAN: Mr. Walley, do you want me to take them downtown and book them?
No... no.
Forget it, Officer. I'm not going to press any charges.
[Clark hollers]
[Upbeat instrumental music, background]
What did I tell you? Did I say trust me?
[All scream]
[Dancln' 'Cross The USA by Vanity 6, background]
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